No More Parties in LA*

By David Scane

(*The London Assembly)

With the nominations for the 2020 (1) London Mayoral Elections now closed, we examine the runners and riders for the top job.

Labour – Sadiq Khan: Like England v San Marino, we know he’s going to win, the only interest is seeing how many votes he wins it by.

Conservative – Shaun Bailey: The only other candidate with an outside chance of winning the race. He won’t win it, but he’s a good sport for taking it so seriously.

Green – Sian Berry: London Assembly member and Camden Councillor standing for the third time after coming a respectable 3rd place in 2016. Seeking to replicate her performance from five years ago, and to date the only candidate to put a leaflet through my door, so clearly taking it seriously. 

Lib Dems – Luisa Porritt: Another Camden Councillor, who was selected late in the process for the Lib Dems after former candidate Siobhan Benita dropped out. Knocking the Greens off third place will be seen as a good night for the Lib Dems, who will be hopeful of taking home the bronze.

UKIP – Peter Gammons: Remember UKIP? They’re back, in Gammons form. Candidate Peter Gammons, surely the only person in the country to actually defect from Brexit Party to UKIP, will be hoping to receive even a fraction of the party’s nearly 100,000 votes from 2016.

Reclaim Party – Laurence Fox: The bad boy of the London Mayoral race. Doesn’t wear a mask and doesn’t think you should have to either. Thinks you can’t say anything these days – disproves his point daily. 

Women’s Equality Party – Mandu Reid: Standing on a platform of equal rights and ending violence against women. A very timely platform given recent tragic events.

At this point let’s take a breather (there’s about 100 other candidates standing).

Ready? Ok let’s push on.

Let London Live – Piers Corybn: “Oh Piers Corbyn”. Very much the Phil Neville to Jeremy’s Gary Neville, (if Phil Neville didn’t believe in climate change and was anti-vax).

Heritage Party – David Kurten: Former UKIP Assembly Member standing on a platform of ‘Freedom, Safety and Sanity’. Has publicly refused the Covid-19 vaccine, thus breaking at least two of his three pledges already.

London Real Party – Brian Rose: If you haven’t already, do yourself a favour and check out his videos on YouTube. My personal favorite is the one of him spending 8 minutes working out while making sound effects.

Count Binface Party – Count Binface: The former Lord Buckethead, standing on a platform of bringing back Ceefax and making Piers Morgan zero emissions by 2030. Try arguing with those common sense policies, if you can.

And the rest:

Renew Party – Kam Balayev
Burning Pink – Valerie Brown
Rejoin EU – Richard Hewison
Animal Welfare Party – Vanessa Hudson
Social Democratic Party – Steve Kelleher
Independent Max Fosh
Independent – Farah London
Independent – Niko Omilana
Independent – Nims Obunge